Phoenix.

Everyone was wishing everyone "Good Luck" for the huge upcoming exams.
There he was, standing with the rest. His girlfriend was there too.
They were laughing away. Talking about something I couldn't catch. He looks happy.
He looked at my direction, he noticed me looking at him. A curved appeared on his lips.
That smile. So heart-warming. Then I noticed.
He's smiling at me. He was walking towards me. I didn't know what to do.
His girlfriend was staring me down. I avoided eye contact.
He came up to me, he looked at me, smiled and whispered to me, "I missed you".
Then he hugged me. He hugged me tight. I was shocked.
He told me that he missed the times he spent with me. In tuition(?), Outside(?).
He just did. I smiled and whispered back, "I missed you too". I hugged him back.

Woke up by the ear piercing high pitched robot sound "wama-wamater-EKKKK-wamatuck".
It was my phone alarm. I woke up, I found myself crying. Not exactly crying, I was tearing.
Maybe I DO miss him. We were quite close. But things just ended in a SNAP.
He started replying me cold, then stopped replying my messages.
He left me hanging there. We never really got together or anything.
I guess I miss his "presence" in my life. Him, as a friend. A close friend. A very very close friend.

Hey, close friend :) You know who you are.

I miss you. I really do.

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I feel evil. I feel mean. I should have thought things through. I should have think twice before I've made that decision. That decision to avoid hurting any of us. But now, it's too late.

I just got that feeling. That feeling that this isn't gonna work out like how I want it to.

No, the problem is not him. The problem is ME. I'm gonna end up hurting him.

I feel like, I'm just not ready for this kind of commitment yet. If it's counted? I don't trust myself.

Everytime he tells me that he hopes for us to last, my heart just sinks.

I tried telling him to not get the hopes so high up, coz, I know myself. I know, I will not be able to take this.

He just told me that we can avoid all those things from happening.

I'm going in college next year. I'm turning 18 next year. I'm finally becoming an "adult" in the broken family I have. There are alot of things pressured on me. Family, friends, Studies. & lots more.

I really don't know how to tell you. I know you love me alot. & I love you alot too. I just.. sigh..

I'm trying my best. I can't take it back anymore. I will just do my best.

But first, I wanna say sorry. I'm sorry if I am sometimes cold towards you. I'm sorry if sometimes I tell you that I'm busy, but in the end, I'm there watching a korean variety show or chatting with my other friends. I'm sorry that I am the kind of girl that always puts her girls first before her boy. I'm sorry that I don't trust people so much these days. I'm sorry that I am selfish. I am a very very selfish person.

I tried not to think so much, but I just couldn't. I just got that uneasy feeling.

I cry myself to sleep almost every night these days, despite knowing I have SPM papers to sit for the next day. I know how it feels to get hurt. I really don't wanna hurt you. I really really really really don't. But I can't keep this promise forever. I'm not the type of girl that wanna get tied down so early, you know?